Yesterday was a bad day. I’ve been doing pretty well with not letting diabetes get me down. To be honest I haven’t even been thinking about it lately, since I’ve been honeymooning and having nice stable sugars. At times I almost forget I even have it. But I do. And nothing’s the same. One of the recurring themes I’ve found in the Diabetes Online Community (DOC) is that even with diabetes, you can do anything you want to. Well, as I found out yesterday, that’s just not true.
I’ve been working on a project at work for the past 2 years (basically since I’ve started working there) that would involve an extended period of time on board a ship. I got a call last week saying there was a request being made and I was being recommended for it, they just had to check on what their doctors would say about my condition. Yesterday I found out it wasn’t approved and that I would not be going on a trip like that. Ever. Because I have Type 1 diabetes. To be fair, it is due to the fact that I would not have easy access to medical help or supplies in the event that anything happened. I do understand the decision, but that doesn’t mean I have to like .
I was devastated. Crying in the bathroom at work devastated. To lose something I’d been working so hard on for so long, because of something that wasn’t my fault, was heartbreaking. I can honestly say I’ve never hated my body more in my entire life than I did in that span of a few hours yesterday. It’s not a nice feeling. Even though I had suspected I wouldn’t be cleared to go, having it confirmed is still a huge blow.
The thing that affected me the most, is my feeling of helplessness over the situation. I’m not used to that feeling. But I can’t control my body, or the things that happen to it. I can’t control the rules, or the decisions that other people make. It sucks. It really, really does.
I’ve had my cry. I’ve had my time to feel sorry for myself. Now it’s time to move forward with the next step. Thanks to a good friend who refuses to let me feel sorry for myself (you know who you are little black bear!), I’m feeling better about the future and where I go from here. Time to stop obsessing what I can’t control, and focus on things I CAN do. You may have won this round diabetes, but don’t get used to it.