Most people who know me would say I’m pretty laid back, level headed and hard to get a rise off. I try to let most things roll off like water off a duck’s back.
Not quite the case anymore.
If I’m not crying, I’m raging mad or flipping through any random range of emotion. Any little thing can set me off and bring me crashing down, effectively ruining my mood and my day. Literally anything. A comment from someone, the wrong song on the radio, or even just reading something. And once I’m in one of those funks, its nearly impossible to get out of.
I hate it. I hate being like this and not knowing what my mood could be from minute to minute. Luckily most people around me understand and cut me some slack. God bless my support group for putting up with my bitchy ass. I can guess I’m not the best person to be around at times and my poor boyfriend gets the brunt of it. I have no idea how to explain it. Is it extra stress? Extra or fucked up hormones? High or low blood sugars? Just me trying to come to emotional terms with it?
If you Google diabetics and mood swings, you’d quickly realize that I’m apparently not alone in this. Everybody has different reactions and apparently different sets of circumstances that set them off. For me, it seems to be worst when I’m going low (I just checked as I’m writing this and I’m 4.0…not bad but not ideal either). For others, it happens when they go high, and some don’t get it at all (lucky bitches). As far as I can tell from the reading I’ve been doing, there seems to be no physiological reason or trigger behind it, its more anecdotal evidence.
But I can’t rule out stress either. As a friend of mine said, I’m mourning the loss of my pancreas, and so should expect to go through the stages of grief. Namely:
1. Denial. Been there, done that. This was definitely pre-diagnosis when I saw the symptoms, and after as I tried to convince myself that I was fine and this was no big deal. Lies. When you break down because too many people have asked you what’s wrong, you’re not OK and it’s a big deal.
2. Anger. I think this one’s pretty self explanatory. I’m mad at my body for quitting on me, and at my diagnosis. I’m also mad at myself and keep thinking that there has to be something I could’ve done to prevent this.
4. Depression. Check. I’m sad all of the time. Sad about having to think about food all the time, sad that this happened to me when I’ve always been healthy, and sad about things I might never get to do because of this.
5. Acceptance. Definitely not there yet, but I’m working on it. Some days are better than others but I’m nowhere near here yet.
So between that emotional side of things and the physiological response due to the introduction of a synthetic hormone (insulin) and whatever craziness my blood sugars come up with, it’s easy to see why I’m a mess right now. But I’m getting there. One day at a time. And I get by with a little help from my friends.
Hoping to get off this roller coaster soon, otherwise I might end up looking like this: